So I'm in Europe and I love it. However I don't even know where I belong...I'm Bulgarian but know more about current USA than BG at this point, feel "at home" with my US colleagues and at the same time get a rejection for a job application because they "only hire native speakers" (I know English and how to teach it better than BG at this point). So I'm not in BG and not in the US -- identity crisis??!?!!
Maybe not there yet but add a third language to the whole mix and it gets interesting. I already think in English and Bulgarian. Now I have to make my mind think in Spanish.....How?! Don't get me wrong -- would love to learn Spanish and am starting from Monday but sometimes I get that weird feeling of being in the middle. It seems that "home" is really somewhere in between everything (it still is BG but that feels very different now).
I had a very good saying (turned into a joke) with a friend in the USA (if you are reading it, you know who you are): "back home". Some things were better "back home" (mind you he is American born). But it's funny. I actually got back home and it's not the same. Especially when you get back for 20 days.... I knew I wasn't quite in my own waters when somebody had to translate a joke on a TV show for me. In the exactly same way I tried to watch Jay Leno 9 years ago in the USA and couldn't get it....
So as a BG saying goes (direct translation): "not a crab, not a fish" (ни рак, ни риба). Now (hopefully) I will have a third country in my mix -- let's make it even more confusing, why not?! Don't get me wrong -- Spain is great, I do not plan to go back to the US or BG for now. And this is not a desperate help cry (some of you know me pretty well). It is just a post at 1:30am reflecting on mixed identities, "home" and whatever else you want to call it. No pictures here. If I post anything it'd have to be with friends and not sure how people feel about that...
Radost, I totally understand. When I was in Bulgaria, people kept on telling me I look and sound American. Some even started talking to me in English. In the USA, I am very much Eastern European. As a first generation immigrants, we will ALWAYS be in-between. We will never have a home in the traditional sense. The only hope is to accept this and learn to make your home wherever you go. As long as you have good friends and people you can rely on, it doesn't matter where you are. But yes, we will always be immigrants, in Spain, in the USA, and yes, in Bulgaria too. We will never truly fit anywhere. This is the curse, yet also the magical difference, of those who have left their country in search for something else (maybe better, maybe not).
ReplyDeleteVery true, Youle!
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ReplyDeleteI could as well sign up here with both my hands! It's kinda "weird" to feel relieved after knowing you are not the only one "in the club" and not quite so alone.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, Radost, everything comes with practice and patience!
I studied English, my most beloved language, since the 4th grade and did always my best with it.
Then, after one year of only German for 40 hours a week (подготвителен клас) I could NOT write "because" ... not to think about talking.
Then again, after pulling myself together and doing everything simultaneously, I got, in that order, my two important german exams, FCE, CAE and finally DSD - the german's "best" for universities.
And now, after so many years in Germany without practically any practice, I can not point out the way on the street to a tourist, asking me "left or right"? Reading book in English is such a joy for me but I'm definitely lacking talking, just using it.
And never ever thought I could simply forget it!
Even furthermore, I started something strange at a certain point. German could never get this big "status" for me, though I like playing with it. BUT I started translating not anymore from but in Bulgarian!!!
I happen to think in all my three languages, good. But I translate to my mother things I "have and think" only in German - an awful feeling. Then the books and movies in English, and of course the "Multi-Kulti" conversations in all three languages with people from all over the world - for instance take one Erasmus party.
And above all that comes my illogical but very strong passion for Spanish! I don't need it, I just love it :), like the Germans say, "with my stomach" ;))
And I'm pretty sure that when practice and need meet, it would be fun transforming it into "that status" :))).
You just need to open your heart a litte bit for it, then another litte bit, and then :)))))
And feeling home and feeling your "identity" is something so unique for everyone you "just" need some sign from inside. Some name it friends, others - mountains, next ones - family.
It is definitely one of our biggest dilemmas, for us - the "first grade refugees".
And still, we take these decisions on our own, we hope for something better. Right, Youli? :)
And there is no one "better" open to the world than us ;))) I and you may feel good in this corner of the continent - but also in the opposite one.
Home is where your heart feels good at, identity is how you speak to yourself.
Let us get the best of it all :))))
p.s. (just some scattered thoughts on a sunday afternoon)